Sometimes we just don't know what we want

It's been a while since I've really thought about the possibility of a relationship. Honestly, the whole thing scares me. Maybe I've been hurt too many times, or maybe it's just that I haven't completely healed from the last time. I really think it's more to do with not having met that special someone that is worth taking the risk for. Maybe I have met him and circumstances just haven't allowed for things to evolve from friendship to something more. I really dunno. Too many questions remain unanswered in my head. Quite possibly, I just think too much.

I have an amazing friend who I've spoken to online (but never met) for over 10yrs now, and he's one of those guys that I can speak honestly and openly to about things. He tells me that not all men want to break my heart, and I know he's genuine about the things he tells me. I'm hanging onto this small glimmer of hope that there's some wonderful Mr Right out there, somewhere. If only he'd step out of his awesome hiding spot! Sometimes I feel like a little girl, watching those fairy tale movies, hoping and praying for my own Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet. Maybe they are nothing more than fairy tales though.

I'm not a very patient person in the least, so it's probably a good thing I'm in no rush to be in another relationship. I'm not opposed to it happening, I'm just not going out of my way to look for it. It'll happen when the time is right I'm sure.

Happy 1st Birthday, Xavier!!

This past weekend marked my sons 1st birthday!! What a huge milestone for us. I can't believe how quickly this past week has seriously just flown by. I had my parents and my sister over for a special family dinner, so we could all have some quality time with the little guy before his party this coming weekend, when there's going to be loads of people around, all fighting for the attention of the birthday boy :-) Xavier was given his presents from us, and was a little more interested in sitting on them, rather than opening them, which was cute.





Xavier sat at the table like a big boy and ate his dinner, and scoffed into his mud cake afterward. I got this photo of him with his HUGE piece of cake mummy cut him, notice his feet up on the table. I kid you not, this is how he sits anywhere - in his highchair or pram. Anywhere. He's crazy, not to mention flexible! He was too just too cute.



It was a fantastic day, i'm a little sad it seemed to go by so quickly tho. I managed to squeeze in a quick photo of the 2 kids and I after we got back from town. I was exhausted and the photo surely shows that.



It was a huge day for my little man, but he had a blast. Now to survive the party this weekend - no doubt we'll be even more exhausted and Xavier will be even more spoilt. I'll leave this post tonight with a gorgeous photo of Xavier on his birthday night, all ready for bed. Poor little guy was stuffed.

Birthday party preparations

At the moment, I'm asking myself "WHY??" Why the heck did i get started on this whole First Birthday party idea. It feels like it's never been more apparent that I'm a single mother until now... I'm left to do 99.9% of the planning, organizing and arranging for this party. I know it's not everyday that your baby turns 1 and it should be celebrated in a BIG way, but I'm just exhausted. It's not just financially, but physically I'm running on empty. I'm mid-way through baking mini quiches for the party this weekend and still have a tonne more cooking to do. I don't think I'm gonna be leaving the kitchen much between now and Saturday. I have amazing friends and a wonderful mother that are helping, but i kind of feel that since this was my idea i can't expect others to do all the work.

I hate the stress of organizing these kind of events. Stressing about whether there will be enough food, drinks, entertainment, etc. I know the day will be great and I'm sure everyone will have a great time, but i worry about the littlest of things - that's just me! So, here's to a stress-less weekend, with enjoyable cake smash photos oh Friday, an awesome party Saturday and a beautiful dedication this weekend. Xavier sure is gonna be a busy boy.

Growing up way too fast

I cannot believe it, by the end of this weekend my little man is going to be 1yo!! I'm still in denial that he's no longer going to be a little baby, but instead a wee little toddler. It's not sinking in yet, and i'm not sure when it will. Today i adjusted his cot - he has one of those fancy 3-in-1 cots that converts from cot -> toddler bed -> daybed. It's stunning and so it should be after the small fortune i paid for it - i love it! So tonight, my little man is spending his first night in his toddler bed. What a bittersweet moment. He looks so gorgeous, and so big now. I can't believe how much time has passed by. It seems like only yesterday i was leaving the hospital with him. What a joy it's been, being his Mummy for the past year, not a day has gone by that he hasn't melted my heart or blessed my life one way or another.

Here's a photo of my little guy in his big bed tonight, sleeping peacefully.

P.S. Don't mind the (now, unused) side rail i stored behind his cot. The back doesn't have that random extra horizontal bar usually :-P

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!

Just quickly.... one of these days "Knob" may just stumble across my blog and realise that her deceitful ways were obvious from the very beginning. Considering i gave her the link to my blog in our conversation - it's only a matter of time before she reads this. Yes missy, i'm talking about you (you know who you are).

I'm wondering how long we can keep this going - her lying, me pretending to believe it. Could go on for months. Oh what a sad boring life I have - amused by morons who have nothing better to do than make up stories. I'm guessing her motive is to see if i want her "man" back - which i'll quite happily and LOUDLY state, i most certainly do not. He's all yours hunni - enjoy!!

I'm not as gullible as i may seem. I just play dumb - and dumb people buy into it.

Tell me you've deleted your facebook - i know you blocked me. Saved me from blocking you (though i still did) *pokes tongue*

So i guess that makes it Jess 1 : Knob 0

Kids and swimming lessons

Yesterday, my little guy Xavier had his catch up swimming lesson. While we were away at Serena's for the school holidays he missed 2 swimming lessons. It's been nice to have him back in the water now that we're home. It makes it even nicer when the weather is so stinking hot. Xavier and I walk into town (well - I walk and he just sits there lazily in his pram) which takes 30mins. It's nice to get out, smell the flowers, hear the birds in the trees, and avoid all the crazy drivers in this town (sometimes easier said than done).

I was amazed when we go to the pool, Xavier just wanted to get down into the water. We had to wait for another baby class to finish before his started. By the time we got into the water and Xavier was happier - one of the school's was at the pool so we had to get out and move to a different spot in the pool. All this rearranging was too much to bear for Xavier and another little boy in the same class. Xavier just screamed and screamed until we got back into the water on the other side of the pool. He was so distraught, poor little boy. He was in such a great mood, he loved going under the water - not once crying or spluttering after drinking the water. He's improving so quickly and amazing me more and more at each lesson. It's crazy to think he's only had, maybe, 6 lessons in total so far.

Kailee has been doing swimming lessons since January this year and she's moving along fantastically. She's just moved up from her "Tadpoles" class and is now a "Frog". Considering at the start of the year, she wouldn't even put her face near the water to blow bubbles in the water, let along swim 3m with her face submerged. Now, she's doing so great - she happily swims 3m+ and is getting really good. She's so much more confident and having such an awesome time in the water. Kailee has another lesson this afternoon, and it's great to see her learning new things each lesson and thoroughly enjoying it.

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If there's something I think all kids need to learn, it's swimming. Personally, i can't swim myself and if i was in a situation where i needed saving, i'd maybe only just be able to save myself. I'd hate to know what would happen if my kids were in a bad situation - that's why i'm so persistant with them having swimming lessons. Although pricey for 2 kids to have lessons each week, i don't want them growing up avoiding pools, boats, the beach etc just in case something happened. You hear all too often about kids drowing in dams, backyard pools etc and i don't want my child to be yet another statistic. So, people... teach your kids to swim, teach your friends kids. The more children that know how to get themselves back to the edge of the pool after falling in, the less distraught parents there are, after having buried their own child. It's too heartbreaking to not take precautions :-)

And again

For all those that loved my "Knobs" post.... here is part 2. (You know u wanted it!!)

Again, my ex's fiancee contacted me continuing with the whole "we've broken up" storyline - so i played along with it. I'm sure she thinks i'm an absolute idiot - she still have her MSN pic as the one of them together, as is her facebook pic. When i asked about this, she told me she was too busy to change them and of course, she'd deleted her facebook and ironically it was still there, and someone was hacking in using it, pretending to be her.... even going as far as to add new pics of her, James and the kids. C'MON!! I wasn't born yesterday - or last week for that matter.

As amusing as these conversations are becoming, we always come back to the one topic - James and his 'fathering' when it comes to Xavier. Time and time again, she defends him. I have not changed my opinion of him in this regard and will not. Simple. He's a deadbeat dad, if i ever did see one. Ironically, he is so much of one that he makes my daughter's father seem like Father of the Year! (Kailee's father stopped seeing her at 6mo... nearly 5yrs ago). I cannot understand how this woman can keep saying to me that 'James loves Xavier in his own way i'm sure' ... um, no he doesn't. If he loved his son, he would have met him. This weekend approaching is Xavier's 1st birthday, and whilst James lives in the same town (or the next town 30mins away), he has never once laid eyes on his son. Now don't get me wrong, i have tried more than a couple times to get him to see his son. After countless text messages, emails of photos etc, James emailed me and stated he wanted nothing to do with his son and hoped one day i would find a man who would be a dad to Xavier. Call me mistaken, but that's not love!!

Knobs!

'Til the day i die, i will continue to be both mum and dad to both my children. I will give everything within my being to ensure that my kids have everything they desire in life, so they don't need to miss out on anything important just because their father couldn't be bothered to be in their lives. I aspire to be the best mum i can possibly be - and to more than make up for the fact that both my kids have deadbeat dads. There's just no denying it.

Pray For You

Thinking back about my previous post ... I recently heard the funniest song that i think fits in perfectly. It's by "Jaron and the long road to love" and it's called Pray for you.

(Now just to clarify, Yes i do pray for my enemies, but i pray for them to be blessed abundantly in all areas of their lives - spiritually, phyically, financially, etc - but this song is too funny not to share.)

Enjoy!! :-)

Knobs.

For those that know me well, you'll know that there's one word i use to describe someone whom i would consider an idiot; a moron; a stupid person. That my friend, is a knob! Be prepared to hear that word a few more times (at least) before this little snippet of writing is finished.

My night started off as per usual, cooking dinner and tending to my 2 beautiful kids. I don't get much of a chance to get online while Xavier is awake, as he clings to my leg and whinges. It breaks my heart and I soon leave whatever I'm doing on the computer (facebook, studying, email, blogging etc) and spend my time with him and of course his sister, Kailee. Last night tho was a different story completely. It was filled with one long, and very winded conversation with - yes, you guessed it - a knob! There's not many things in life that bug me immensely, but lieing (fibbing, storytelling, telling tall tales, etc) drives me crazy. I don't see the point in bending the truth, or fabricating a story just to get a certain reaction, or make someone believe something that's basically rubbish. Lieing is one of my pet peeves. It doesn't get you anywhere and eventually, you WILL be found out and the truth will be revealed.

An "acquaintance" (and i use that term lightly) of mine - or better still my ex's fiance initiated a conversation, which in itself is very unusual. Not long into the conversation she did the whole "him and I have split". *Um, yeah right honey*. So i play along, the whole time wondering how far we can get this conversation to go. Long story short..... after a couple hours of talking, she was going into great detail of why they split, when they split (which funnily enough was actually before i last spoke to her, when she'd told me she was busy planning their wedding.... now she's telling me, they had broken up already before that. Suss much?!), and that they hadn't talked in weeks. She asked if I'd heard from him or if he'd contacted me regarding his son.... i swear i could have literally done a big fat, roll on the floor, belly laugh. She was talking about the same guy who told me he didn't want to see his son when i messaged him straight out of my C-section; the same guy who told me to cease all contact and hopefully one day find a man to be a father to my son, when i had sent photos of his own child to him; the same guy who lives in the same small town as me and yet has never laid eyes on his little boy. She was kidding, right?

Obviously not. Basically, she thinks she roped me in good. What a joke. I'm not an idiot, I'm not that gullible. I'm alot smarter than she gives me credit for. And she had the hide to ask if i would get back together with him, because we made a cute couple and now that her and him had 'broken up'. Ummm, hell no!! In what world would i happily take back the man that left me pregnant and on my own after we'd been trying for a baby of our own. I may be a little crazy, but I'm not insane. Seriously, all i can say is they belong together ...Hmmm... Knobs!

Now, I'm under no false pretenses and I'm well aware of the fact that this said person that i spoke to will probably read this blog and realise her cover is blown. But I'm sick and tired of playing "nice" and being polite. I'm not ashamed of the person I am, or the life i have. I don't need to lie about it, or pretend to be something I'm not. If you do, then i don't have time for you in my life. If my ex doesn't want to see his son, it just makes my life all that much easier and more pleasant. I don't have to share my precious little guy, or worry about if he's being looked after by his father. Don't get me wrong, i will never stop either of my children's fathers from ever seeing them if they seriously wanted to, but they don't, so my life is less dramatic and less stress filled.

I didn't see the point in this conversation, or how it could amuse 'grown adults' (again, i use that term lightly). If your going to at least pretend something, make it look legit. There were more holes in that story, than in a pair of fishnet stockings. C'mon, be real. Childish storytelling was for primary school.... not for someone who is nearly 30. It's sad really.

One thing that does amuse me tho, is that they totally underestimated me and assumed that i would believe whatever i was told. Any half-intelligent person would at least try to get as much information as humanly possible in order to validate what they were told. I'm constantly amazed at how ridiculous some people are... does it make them feel important to be the center of attention. Or to control what other people apparently "know" about them.

Least i have something new to laugh about. That, my friends, has brightened my day. Quite simply.... that was an epic fail on their part. Shame.

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Looking at the clock, i could go on for hours about knobs but seeing as its nearly 3.30am and have early rising treasures, i should really get at least a couple hours sleep. Remember, stay honest - then you won't wind up with egg on your face later.